Wednesday, October 28, 2015

I Hurt Myself Today                     

What a day! I was TE-palvelut for searching a job , nothing special happened as usually.
I sat there only a minute then I cried in front of personal. I forced myself not cry but the tears dropped quickly down on my face.
 I said I don't care how much money I will make right now. All I need is have something to do. 
My healthy is bad and I need to think positive  but I don't know how.......
I felt totally lost.
And I don't know if I have breast cancer or not. She said she understood.
I felt much better when I saw my mom but then I fell back to the same routine. 
I'm so tired like I do not wanna talk and see people. Just want to laid down on my bed.
After 3 hours Robin picked me up to hospital. 
I wasn't nervous until a nurse called my name and took me for X-ray. She asked if I'm pregnant. 
I answered no, I don't think so and I hope not.
 It was hurtful to do mammogram. My arms were dead while doing that.
A nurse just said it will take 10 minutes then a doctor will tell you if you need ultra sound.
After that a doctor walked in. So I did ultra sound my breasts. 
I tried to see if there was anything but I saw nothing. And Later he said nothing to me, just went to get a nurse back to the room. 
I can guess what they were going to do next.
Yes, I got a needle to my breast. I just closed my eyes and my whole body was shaken.
Firstly it was like taking a blood test but a second it was hurt like hell. I felt a needle into that lump. 
It was hard to breath.
I don't even know when he took it off but I felt my blood ran to my back. 
I still hope it's not a cancer.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Fall Vocation


Last week on Thursday I woke up in the darkness, I walked directly to kitchen for a glass of water.
I saw something stood on the table. I guessed I haven't woken up yet so I thought it was an alien. :D
 Then I looked closer it was a bunch of roses. :) I love when my boyfriend is a little romantic. 
Almost two years that we fight and love.
Things are great now, only people don't bring stupid things up again.
Around 2 p.m we started to drive to Helsinki. While we were on the road, my right eye twisted.
I thought positively thinking nothing bad will happen. All I want is to see my mom!
We arrived to Helsinki and left our car on his stepfather's yard then he drove us to harbor.

 We had a dinner in the ferry. It seemed like there was no sits for us in the restaurant.
But we got our table. Our table was closer to a partner, who ordered salmon menu.
I felt directly how bad it smelled and it was stupid idea to order greasy food like pasta. 
Lately that evening the ferry started to sway. What a bad day!
My body didn't feel okay. It was the first time for me that the ferry swayed like hell.
Robin drank a beer, I had ice-cream and tea after dinner and we played some games.
Then we moved our legs back to our cabin. The ferry swayed even more. I felt dead!
I know that I started to be paranoid more often than before.
 I tried to sleep but I woke up all the time. 
The weather scared me so much and Jack and Rose's story flew in to my mind.
I told myself, please don't leave us with the fishes in the middle of nowhere in the ocean.
I still want to see my mom! Thank god! The ferry arrived in Mariehamn but a half an hour late.
Well... better than be in the ocean.  

I got cash again.
Robert picked us up around 5 a.m. When we came in to my old bedroom, their cat wanted to come in.
They named him Hansen. 
It screamed in few minutes. I don't want cats in the bed, I don't care how cute they are.
They lose hair so much that's why.
Then Hansen didn't want me to hold him at all. It always wanted to play with mom.
My mom made Sukiyaki ( Japanese soup ) I ate in 2 days and robin got a try.
In the evening We went to meet his friend in Dino's. I sat there few minutes and ran off to meet Suksi.

R.I.P Rut. We always love you.

On Saturday we visited Tor. He's always talkative. He talked almost with Robin.
Everything I come to visited Tor. I always look at their old pictures. 
I have a copy of Rut's photo here. I still don't  understand why I do that but I always question myself,
do you think if love is real or it's just drama we play?

Now it's 1 p.m. Robin is coming to pick me up soon to Hospital.
Have a nice day. <3

Sunday, October 18, 2015


Our Sunday in Kotka.

With JLo

It was the happiest thing to see Jenni yesterday. I don't remember when was I last time I saw her.
I did actually what my friends say, don't stay home.
So I planed to meet Jenni in Helsinki. 
We didn't know what we gonna do but the thing to do in there is shopping.
I mean I'm not a shopaholic at all. I always know when should I shop.
Plus shopping is a good exercise, don't you think? When my head gets really sick, I always go to shopping mall. It's one of  the things to get me feel better. 
I started my day by waking up at 6 O'clock, put some make up, put my wig on and 
I ran to the railway station. I came to the station 30 minutes before the train arrived to Kouvola.
It was definitely cold! And I was also waiting outside the whole 30 minutes.
Then the train came, I quickly walked to find my sit.
I arrived to Helsinki before 9 O'clock, one hour before Jenni came.
I sat in a cafe to kill my time for waiting for her and ordered China Green Tea.
While I had a sip of my tea, I found my self bored waiting so I walked to Kamppen.
I know I should't spend money on things that I don't need.
But when I find anchor accessories, I can't take my eyes off them. :'(
They are so beautiful. I'm crazily obsessed with anchors and dream catchers.
  I found three beautiful things from the same store Bijou Rigitte.
Later I also found new bag from H&M and Mumin towels.
We had a lunch in Thai restaurant. (I will never get sick of it.)
I ordered Mee Kati, it was little spicy but it wasn't that bad at all.
We chatted all the time about what's going on with our lives. Not good news.
I told her that I didn't want to open my mouth and telling what happens lately.
It's the same thing.
My stomach was so full that I didn't want to move my legs. 
I was tired and my stomach got hurt. I told Jennifer I think you can go home.
I can't walk anymore, I will go to the railway station and wait for the train.
At least a half an hour Jenni was there with me, and I waited for the train for 2 hours. Damn!
I bought a pocket book there names The Rules Of Love. I think I should read it before anything will happen again. I hopefully not!
But it was such a great day anyway!
Love u Jenni! :P

Friday, October 16, 2015

Cyst in my chest

 What to start... let start with my Tuesday.
As I said I had very pain in my chest, still had headache. 
I got a visited a doctor in the Healthy Center on Tuesday. Robin drove me there and said what I should do. I walked straight to information? And asked a woman where should I go and wait.
Well.. She spoke Finnish like I would understand her. No! But I saw she pointed her finger up.
So I guessed it means second floor.
I walked to second floor. Now it made me really confused. Should I be here or what?
I texted Robin whole time. Then a woman said in Finnish about take a queue number. 
I gave a answer directly, sorry I speak English. Then she was quite.
It was messy that day to not understand what people said.
But I finally got to see the doctor. I saw a man walked in the room.
Oh my god! The doctor is a man. Yes, I didn't notice before?
Mixed of feelings flew to my mind. First thing I can think, do I have to get half naked in front of him?
We sat down and talked. I showed him what my hair look like now.
He had the same options like the others. I lost my hair it may depend on chemical products, stress and birth control pills. But he said it's not usually.
It's not easy to understand the words the doctor used but it was okay.
I tried to say what I felt in my left chest.
It didn't work that well so I googled a picture and showed to him. 
He quickly stood up and said let's me see if you have breast cancer.
Here came the awkward moment. -_- Ha ha! I don't wanna think about.
After he checked it, he told me that he is going to send me to hospital. But it will take few weeks.
You have to X-ray and ultrasound. I totally understand the X-ray but ultrasound?
Okay. Well let see what happens later. It's just a small cyst.
I hope it's not bad news

Why I always raise my eyebrows in every picture??

While I was waiting for Robin. I was in a cafe in the Healthy Center and took a walked to a park.
I had a long conversation with Jennifer. Tomorrow I'm going to meet her in Helsinki.
Robin acted little dumb after I told him a doctor my chests. Ha ha.
You know what? I've been waiting to see you in this moment. :D 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Only God Forgives

No one will understand how I feel right now.
I've sad about what happened on Saturday. I can see I feel worse than yesterday.
I want to write any stupid emotional post but I do not what to do.
All my friends asked if I talked to my mm about that day. I answered straightly, I knew what my mom is going to say about this. And I was right.
I hate telling people the same thing again and again. Some people won't understand it anyway.
Back in 2007 when I  just moved here, I called my grandparents about how I felt for being away from Thailand. They heard it and they said to me if it isn't okay to stay there, just come home.
And they blamed her.
Because of that I was 100% sure what my mom's going to say.
I've talked to all my friends all day.
They told me I should go out for a walk, find a new hobby. Don't stay home alone!
If his family don't welcome and accept you so go home to your mom. 
They know that I stand in the spot where the mental hospital's door is opened for me.
I cry and have headache in the morning, day and night for 2 days now.
When I called my mom, we talked random things suddenly I mentioned every thing to my mom. 
My head was almost explored. I know I have to say it.
It was exactly what I predicted.
My mom told me just come home and don't stay there on Christmas.
Don't be so sure what you wished for. You're still young to be thinking about future with him.
I told Robin and looked to in his eyes. I saw tears in his eyes. He seemed so sad.
I still love him what can I say.
I know she's so worried about me so I couldn't sleep last night.
I should have been better and better but maybe things supposed to happen this way.
I woke up the same time Robin did. Then I tried to go back but I just rolled on my bed
and tried to let it go. It took little time and it worked. 
I noticed my head didn't feel heavy as it should to be.
While had well sleeping, I started to dream.
 In the dream Robin and I were in the room, he said to me I wanna break up with you and get out of my house. I only cried in the dream and  say why.
The last thing I remember in the dream I talked to a doctor.
I felt dizzy and wondered ''Am I still dreaming or I wake up already?''
I opened my eyes and touched my face. I found tears on my face.
Now it's really bad. I cried while I sleeping again.
Just a minute I woke up, the alarm ringed and I got a text from Robin asking if
I want a drive to Healthy Center.

Now must get ready to see a doctor.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

October Fest

Sadly, sassy, stupidly Saturday. 
Saturday was the most irritated day of the year!

Robin and I were very happy for a few days now and we are glad to make up things right.
I can feel my head weights only 2% of my body. 
I did pinky swear with Robin that we never fight again with stupid things.
As they said happiness won't last forever.  
Suddenly I had pain in my chests on Friday night, it hurt so badly like I thought 
I would never gonna wake up to see my mom again.
I didn't take any pills cause I do not wanna harm my livers.
Next morning I woke with the pain again, I got texts from Jennifer and Robert.
(Normally they never send me any texts in the morning. I see the bad things may happen today.)
I ran to bathroom and got the fucking nosebleed. 
Thank you a lot! Karma.
Robin and I planed to visit Lahti. When we sat in the car.... unfortunately our car didn't start.
I thought we have to stay home today. But Robin fixed the battery.
We started our day with smiles.  
Perhaps a half way to Lahti, I got surprisingly from someone I don't used to talk.
I firstly thought maybe it sent to a wrong person.
And my tears dropped so Robin heard me cry again. 
Then he was irritated with me cause I didn't want to say what was going on. 
When I tried to forget bad things, I hope no one will mention it again.
Well well....... Whatever you all are thinking or thought or heard from someone.
It's already over. And I tried explain 1000 times. But people still don't understand.
Okay! It's fine. Whatever you wanna do, do it. I'm happy with him so.....
Let's not kill a karma, let's not start a fight.
If you think it isn't fair. Maybe you should try to light incense sticks and pray to Buddha.
 Maybe he will hear you. You don't have to worry. When I'm dead, I will be straight to the hell.
I know I created bad karma in many years. So we all do.
We were so irritated all day. Robin tried to calm me down.
Robin normally thinks when I say ''I love him'' too often means nothing.
But I heard he said that 8 letters to me all day and I said sorry to him for ruining our day.
My head weights more than my weight that what I felt.
Back to Kouvola, Robin called and booked a table for us last night in Restaurante Olé.
It was October Fest. Sorry I know nothing about it. 
I can definitely say they serve good food. I wished I was more happier.  
I'm just typical Thai. When I eat good food, I always think of my mom and family.
Thinking how much they will enjoy what we had in front of our table.
Robin enjoyed mostly beverage. Wine, beer and Irish Coffee. Typical Robin. :D
Wow! What a long post!
Well Good Night Finland!

Thursday, October 8, 2015


H&M : Head to toe
R ring : My D.I.Y

Hello Thursday!
I can't describe how am I feeling like now.
I only know my stomach is over full.
As you can see, I got hair. I mean wig. It's not real human hair but it's okay for me to wear it.
It's strange to see myself  with really long hair.
I was so excited to go with hair again. I got myself ready around 2 p.m.
Robin picked me up to Huo Hin Thai restaurant here in Kouvola.
It's just like the other Thai restaurant but I don't know I think it's little special.
They have so many menu which we can't decide what to order.
We ordered first Thung Tong for appetizer.
( I remember when I made it in school. )
I ordered Shrimps with tamarind sauce and Robin ordered A duck menu.
When the food laid down on the table. I knew it I won't be able to finish it. T_T
Even Robin thought the same and this time he didn't help me at all.
I tried to eat but still to much food for me. But it's so delicious!
And it made my homesick disappear just a second. 
My stomach is really hurt right now. 
I guess that how the tamarind sauce works.....

Good night <3

Well.... Look fake but who cares? :P